


Baby in the woods.

by saderaladon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Come on there's Hidan in it, Drunken sex, Experimental Style, Fucking Drama, Gaslighting, Inebriated idiots, M/M, POV First Person, Present Tense, Surrealism with a touch of humour, Swearing, This shit is so postmodern, Translation, Unresolved Emotional Tension, and proceed to have a pint or four in a bar, but they never do, like you really can expect two giant stick insects to show their faces at some point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 19:32:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10520367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saderaladon/pseuds/saderaladon
Summary: Deidara is lost.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [В трех соснах.](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/281232) by hatschi waldera. 



> Made another translation of my own story. Original fic was posted at WTF 2015 fan competition with me being a part of Akatsuki team.  
> English is not my native language. Not betad. Feel free to humiliate my syntax, I love it. :)
> 
> It is entirely possible to enjoy this thing on its own, without any explanation. If it's confusing, don't worry, just have some shochu. :) If you want any of Hidan's drivel clarified you can always ask me, I have a direct access to his stupid head. So if you think you don't need any commentary from the author just scroll down to the text.
> 
>  
> 
> For those willing: it's a social tragedy mimicing a funny story. I love Naruto, because the anime itself is for children, but the world the characters live in is very adult. And fucked up. Kids trained to kill and so on. So it is my take on how this shitschool actually works. I am very fond of both Kakuzu and Sasori, but they are two big bastards in this one: one is essentially an abuser and another is a heartless gaslighting jerk. One is the main sponsor, another is the headmaster. And they are obviously completely gone. Hidan is kinda like the top student in their shitschool. Deidara's only recently applied.  
> Ah, and they are both very young here. I haven't decided on a specific age, so just imagine something that is not yet underage in your country for Deidara and add a couple of years more for Hidan. Or don't, if underage doesn't bother you.  
> Also, no giant stick insects, I promise. :)

Kakuzu brings him along. He has some pressing business to attend to and he simply can't have Hidan around. Sasori talks to him for long, long minutes. They stand further off, two heavy thick voices almost become one. Danna refuses, Kakuzu pushes, Danna insists on his terms, Kakuzu refuses, Danna pushes, Kakuzu insists on his terms. Endless tune of numbers, names, formulas, addresses and threats. Hidan is whistling, his back resting against the tree, and staring at me, his eyes sullen. Under one of them there's a bruise in bloom, bursting out in lilac, the outerline on the left side is bright red. Must be from the ring, I guess.  
Finally they find common ground and shake hands.  
— You have my gratitude, — Kakuzu says, lifting a long sack onto his shoulder. The sack is tied with a thick rope and wriggling. — I'll come to get him at noon the day after tomorrow.  
— Fuck off already, you old cunt, quit being so damn polite! — Hidan shouts at him.  
— Shut up, — Hiruko says. — We weren't discussing weather. I don't make people wait for no reason.  
Kakuzu bows his head once more and leaves.  
Hidan, in his turn, stays.

— And she replies! Says, we have a special notebook for clients like yourselves. Man, can you imagine, just says so! And takes him by his damn arm, they go to the counter. I follow. And there is a notebook, the line goes something like: we are greedy capitulist… fuck, capitalist pigs. Pigs, ha? Kakuzu is almost exploding, and this bitch just smiles at him…  
Hiruko lowers his head, as if trying to read something at the back of an ant.  
— So he takes the pen and writes there… Deidara, are you fucking listening or not?  
I turn away from Hiruko to look at Hidan. He is all red with excitement.  
— Kakuzu writes in the notebook, hm?  
— Exactly! And signs it, like, proper. And then he won't leave, just sits there. Fucking hilarious, right? I gave that chick some money later, took it out of his case when he was snoring away in his room.  
He laughs loudly, his hand hits the ground several times. Hiruko makes a barely audible noise, a squeak, as if somebody is dragging their finger along the rim of a glass. Danna is angry. Hiruko's face is expressionless, but he makes sounds, lots of them. Mostly displeased ones, Danna keeps his joy to himself. Hidan's been with us only for half a day and I've already managed to hear them all: annoyed screeching, hum of lost patience, revengeful rattle… No clangour of fury yet, but seeing how the things are progressing…  
— Get up, — Hiruko interrupts Hidan.

I walk behind them. Hidan is fussing around Danna, his scythe jumping from one shoulder to another, in an unpredictable manner and too often. His cloak is dirty, there's a ginger spot right across his bum: the soil here is wet and he didn't bother to swipe it off. He's saying something — he's always saying something — not really talking to anyone in particular. It's windy, but even the wind can't kill his voice entirely. Hiruko's tail is quivering, the tiny droplets of poison cover the grass. The grass is tall and fresh, with wide green leaves, so the poison creates intricate patterns on them. It's good Danna doesn't see it, he wouldn't approve.  
We reach the village at sunset. Sasori carries on to deal with things, I stay with Hidan. We sit at a shitty cafe near the main road. He doesn't stop talking, not for a second:  
— ...complained, that his crops are sick, his stock is starving. Like I fucking care about his crops! I wanted to cut his stupid throat, but Kakuzu wouldn't let me.  
He gnaws on a chicken leg.  
— … ever seen a headless chicken? They fucking run! I laughed my ass off, I'm telling you: we were walking down the street and that bloody bird just comes at us, runs straight into Kakuzu. Damn, his case looked like shit! What the hell?! Something in my teeth… Hey, you! You! Got any toothpicks? No, you imagine, runs without the head…  
— …that's it. You know, I saw you. I mean, your picture, some guys looking for you… But you're like ten years old there. Kakuzu said the money wasn't good enough.  
— …your Danna is always this dull?  
— …'d go. Especially with a chick like that. What about you, like to swim?  
— …so the poor fuck drowned… I saw the body, all blue and shit, rotting, I always came to look, well, before they buried him…  
— …all wooden, like all of it? What do you mean you don't know?  
— …needs some grease. Squeaky shit, we had a door at home, sounded exactly like your Danna. Fucking thing, hated it.  
— … fuck, now it's broken. Hey, you! Shitty toothpicks! Look, look at it, what a piece of shit. Kakuzu would've kicked their asses for this…

— You'll sleep here, — Hiruko says, entering the house. It's wet and smelly. — Futons are in the locker, the well's in the yard. Don't disturb me.  
He goes down to the basement.  
— …fuck your well, I don't need it…  
I lie down and close my eyes. It's dark. Hidan is running around the room, moving his futon, first closer to me, then to the window.  
— …sleeping, ha? You'll scream at night, won't you? I'll fucking gut you if you scream, can't stand that shit…  
— …to sing. Like… Donno, like something about the moon looking like a lamp, and stars… something with stars…  
He falls asleep, never finishing the sentence. And in five minutes he starts talking again, his voice low and strange:  
— …bulbous molluscs… it costs too much…  
— …in your name… all my life… stop it, stop it, it HURTS!  
— ...run over your granny… violet… violent..  
— …diffrenshia… deffirentia… Waterfall has…  
— …not good… your domain is immense, your power… not good, so not good…  
I stand up to look at him. It's dark. I can only make out his hair, wet from sweating. It's dark and smelly.  
I slowly go down the stairs, stumbling like an old man, my hand on the wall. The steps seem to go forever, and when I am finally there I see a narrow corridor and two doors. One is ajar, the dim light comes out.  
There're three curly strands on the back of Danna's head. Three curly strands and one more, it's frizzy near the root, the hair above it stick out, but the tip is straight, like a brush.  
His shoulder joints are so round. So smooth. Not like the ones his puppets have. Different. Varnished wooden apples.  
He has elbows of a child.  
He doesn't move, only the chakra strings fly up and down, dancing.  
I can barely keep my eyes open. My neck hurts, so I squeeze it with my hand.  
— Deidara, — Sasori says, his back to me.  
I jump, startled.  
— Calm down. What are you doing here?  
— Nothing. Just watching.  
— Didn't I ask you not to disturb me?  
— I didn't… He talks in his sleep!  
— You do too. Go to bed.  
— He always… What? What do I say?  
Danna is silent.  
— Do I tell something?  
— All your secrets, — he replies, a dry smile in his voice.  
— Sasori-no-danna!  
— Come in. I'll give you a sleeping pill.  
He puts down his instruments and takes out the bag. Then he comes closer to me, there's a big pill in the middle of his palm. It's pink and bulky.  
— Put it under your tongue.  
I nod and go away.  
— You recite the names of the hand seals, — I hear Danna's voice in the darkness of the corridor.  
I fall asleep right away. There are no dreams.

The next day Hidan employs a new tactic. He walks backwards in silly moves, facing Sasori and addressing him directly:  
— …n't like so much about your Sunagakure? Don't get it, normal village, nothing fucking cheerful or anything…  
— …pine or larch? Fuck, larch, ha-ha-ha…  
— …'d you spank him? And if it was your workshop? Ha? Boom and it's gone…  
— …counted, well, at first. Then I couldn't be bothered, too many of them. And you? All made into puppets now?  
— …only girls would play it…  
— …go to Kakuzu and I'll stay with you, cool idea, isn't it? Would be fun, right, Sasori-no-danna?  
He stops abruptly, blocking Danna's way.  
— It's Sasori-sama for you, — Hiruko utters slowly and walks past him. — And don't skip it, child.  
— Old fucks everywhere, aren't they, Deidara? When will they fucking die? — I catch up with them and Hidan puts his hand over my shoulder, tilting his head to look at me.  
— Piss off, hm? — I answer.  
— Shut up, — Hiruko adds. — If you don't, I'll annihilate you.  
Hidan pushes me away and runs forward.  
— Ha! You, old fucks, only talk! Empty threats! Kakuzu's like that and you are too!  
— Don't skip my name.  
— Name, no name, what's the difference?  
— Hidan, leave Danna alone, — I interfere.  
— Or what? Bla-bla-bla, I'll kill, just like Kakuzu, and so what? Do I look dead to you?  
— Kakuzu's narrow minded, — Sasori replies. — And you're not listening: I said "annihilate", not "kill".  
— Pfff. That's just coz you are full of yourself!  
— And you're full of shit, — Sasori says and continues walking.

We get to a plateau. There's a small village down in the valley.  
— Wait a bit! I'll be right back, I mean, like it's yesterday, — Hidan suddenly shouts and runs to the village.  
Hiruko clangs.  
— Two ounces, two ounces! Four wouldn't be enough… Deidara? — he calls.  
— Yes, Danna?  
— I'll go further. You know the way. Catch the imbecile.  
— Alright, — I answer. Hidan is nowhere to be seen, must be in the forest already.  
— Like yesterday… I should've killed you yesterday, — Sasori mutters and leaves. I make a bird and fly into the village.  
I don't have to look for him: Hidan is standing in the middle of the main street near a pile of trash that was a shop just a few minutes ago and trying to open a bag of donuts. The shopkeeper is lying on the ground, covered in dust, staring at him, face horrified.  
— Who the fuck made this shit? Who? I'm hungry, don't you get it, you moron? Open it, — he shouts, pushing the bag into shopkeeper's hands. The man doesn't move.  
— Open it, you, fuck you, open it!  
— Give it to me, — I tell him.  
Hidan turns to me, his eyes shining. He's clearly having fun.  
— Here, all yours.  
— And your scythe.  
He clicks his tongue loudly and looks at me, cocking his head, but still gives me the scythe. I cut the bag open, pull a donut out and take a bite.  
— Tasty? — Hidan asks, showing his teeth.  
— Not bas.  
He grabs the bag and examines the donuts.  
— Not bad? The hell they are, stupid dry things.  
He throws the bag away and starts ransacking the remains of the shop. He digs something out and puts it in his sack. I turn to the shopkeeper. He's sturdy with a heavy chin, his skin is rough and wrinkled. He looks just like most men from my village.  
— Where are you from? Not from the Stone? — I ask him.  
— N-n-n… N-no. M-my father is from the S-stone…  
— Hm, — I nod and finish the donut.  
Hidan gets up, his sack is full. He comes to me and punches my shoulder.  
— Come on, what are you, staying?

We catch up with Sasori in the evening.  
— So where are we sleeping today? — Hidan asks him, scratching his back.  
— Curiosity killed the cat, — Hiruko replies, his tone grim.  
We walk through a thin forest, stopping by a small stream to fill our flasks. A small meadow shows up, there's a house in the middle of it. No windows. Black. Burnt-out.  
— Oh, perfect!  
Hidan cries with laughter.  
— What, feeling sorry for your crashpad, Sasori-sama?  
— It's your crashpad, — Sasori growls out. — You're sleeping under the stars today.  
Hidan just shrugs.  
We go a little bit further, looking for a good spot.  
— Start a fire, the night's going to be cold, — Sasori says, when we stop. — Put the stones around it, we don't want to turn the whole forest into ashes.  
He turns away from us, unbuttons the cloak, takes his sack out and starts going through his things.  
— Who does he think he is, our mother? — Hidan whispers into my ear.

He simply won't shut up.  
— …you invent things, Sasori-sama, tell me, what kind of a stupid dick made this bag?  
Hiruko sits on the other side of the fire, his eyes are motionless, dead, pointing into opposite directions. Sasori must have stopped controlling them. I imagine him sitting inside. I don't listen to Hidan. How does he sit, I wonder. Seiza-style, maybe? Squatting? Unlikely.  
— …that. I finished his dad off, and he was standing there, whining, and that stupid thing just went round and round, dinging… — Hidan's voice driving me mad. Are his knees bent? Is it a lotus position?  
— …a thing or two? How is it called, it's kinda dirty pink or gray, sits near the guts, by the spine? You do know, right? — Hidan bounces up, making all sorts of gestures. Half-lying?  
— …ke hell, when it's through the bone. And the fucking sound, — Hidan is looming over Hiruko, his face thoughtful. Does he have… a chair or something in there?  
— …zu told me I'd annoy shit out of a tada… cadaver. It healed the wrong way, was sticking like the fuck knows what…  
Hiruko stands up and looks at me.  
— I am going for a walk. Keep an eye on him.  
He disappears in the darkness quickly. Hidan smacks his lips, ruffles his hair and sits beside me, too close for my taste.  
— What, left you, ha? Your precious Danna. So I can do whatever I want, like, just gut you with my scythe… Gonna be all dead and shit.  
— You try that, — I snap at him.  
— I will! What can you do?  
— I'll blow you up. Legs on one branch, arms on another, head in a pit. Alive and shit.  
— Fuck off, — Hidan frowns.  
He is silent for some time, probably imagining the sight. Then he goes to his sack and takes something out.  
— Want some? — There's a big bottle in his hands. — It's otsushu, the real thing! Fourty three percent alcohol. I've got two of these, enough for everybody.  
— Enough for whom? Sasori-no-danna doesn't drink.  
— Fuck your Danna, I am asking you!  
I take a sip. The bitterness burns my throat. I caugh. Hidan giggles, but then gives me the flask.  
— Drink. Or here, eat these, some sweets or whatever, — he laughs, throwing the candies into my lap.  
It gets easier in a few minutes.  
— …puked it all out, see?  
— …n't drink too, says his head just kills him, coz of the technique…  
— …fucking disgusting. He stinks like you wouldn't believe, like some rotting corpse. And it looks… fuck, I can't even describe, I donno, you look like a human being and he… it's just some shit inside him, just some shit… Fucking nuts.  
— You're nuts too, — I reply.  
Hidan laughs and moves even closer to me. He's hot and sweating.  
— …t you talking, ha? You drink, go ahead. Finally somebody normal, a normal guy, tomorrow it's that old fuck again…  
— …'s gone away, can't stand him, how the fuck do you work with him?  
— What can you stand? — The shochu definitely makes me chatty.  
— …become a puppet, is he crazy or what?  
— Idiot. It's his art.  
— … fucked up…  
— Like you are not.  
— …all fucked up.. And we are too. Tell me, really, do you even care about their stupid plan?  
— M-m-m, — I shake my head. Everything is blurry. His hair dangle in front of my face.  
— … get here?  
— Itachi.  
— …chi what?  
— And Danna. They came.  
My ears ring. The wind sways the pine branches. There're no pines here. It's dark.  
— …iss you, can I?  
Hidan pins me to the ground, snorting and shoving his elbow into my stomach. I open my eyes.  
— Get off me.  
— …st one time, okay?  
— Get the fuck off me! — I push him away and get up. There is definitely something wrong with this forest. The house wasn't enough, now it's dancing? — Kissing, hm! You probably brushed your teeth like a month ago, you idiot.  
— …ke you have…  
— …ome on, Deidara, please. Fucking shit, you can't expect me to kiss that stinky old fuck, and there's nobody…  
— …ve you ever…  
— …enteen…  
Everything turns upside down. Hidan bangs his head against the stone and shouts in a loud shrieking voice:  
— …it! Put the stones around it, put the stones around it… Put it up your ass, you cunt!  
His mouth is big and smelly, lips wide, bitter. Saliva. A lot of saliva. I put my legs around him and howl.  
He still won't shut up.  
— …mn buttons…  
— …eek… and here too…  
— …oing?! It's mine, let it go!  
— …ot in the eye!  
— Now it's symmetrical, — I laugh.  
Something gets torn, by the sound of it. We're horsing around, pressing closer together, as if lying on a narrow cot.  
His skin is very white, bright and almost luminescent in the darkness.  
— …w me, come on, show me!  
— …ck you, why didn't you say there was this stupid clay?!  
He pulls my hand down.  
— …it, can you? I want to try.  
— Let me go. If you are so interested do it yourself.  
— …ou dare me? Ha! I'll do it!  
The fuzzy white spot dives down. I dig my heels into the ground and grab his head.  
— …oo deep!  
— …wet, fucking tongues!  
— Are we doing it or having a chat?  
Hidan giggles and shifts.  
— …fair, okay?  
His dick appears in front of my eyes. It actually looks like two at the moment. I try to catch the thing with my fingers, but miss it every time.  
— …ron, use two hands.  
It is easier with both my hands. There's too much saliva, it runs down my arms, up to the elbows. Hidan growls and doesn't shut up.  
— …awesome… Another one, can you…  
— Shut up, just shut the fuck up!  
— …'re so cool…  
— Do you even understand what's in your mouth, hm?  
— …ck… nice…  
— Well, shut it then!  
— …be so rude…  
We roll over. Hidan finds the bottle, grabs it and drinks, gulping, shochu gurgles loudly.  
— Are you crazy? You said it was fourty percent alcohol!  
He wipes his mouth on my knee and smiles, showing his teeth.  
— …ainful like this, it's an alan… anagl… fuck it, analgesic!  
— Painful?!  
He doesn't reply. He pushes me on the ground and sits atop, grabbing my hand.  
— …ere, we need more saliva…  
And then he goes down. His teeth glisten. He doesn't just go down, he shoves my dick inside, thrusting violently.  
I may be crying out loud.  
Ox, Rat, Monkey, Hare, Horse…  
Ox, Rat, Monkey, Hare…  
— Get off me, get off! Idiot. Turn around. On all fours.  
— …cking smart, ha?  
I palm him, it seems, for hours, he's wet and hot and shivering and he just wouldn't shut up.  
— …ara, fuck you, what the hell are you doing?!  
This time it works. It's fast and smooth, exactly as it is supposed to be.  
The pines shake their heads. The pines which aren't there.  
I fuck Hidan. Ox, Rat, Monkey…  
— …so cool… like… I ca…  
— …arder, come on, Deidara…  
He babbles and babbles, arching underneath me. I grab his dick, press it into my palm.  
He talks so much I think I can see the words. He's incoherent now, lost and whimpering.  
And I don't look at him.  
I stare into the darkness.  
— …ing good… shit… you're so…  
And there, right there, in the darkness — I see Danna, his slender figure. Shoulders that are too round. Elbows of a child.  
I can't breathe. Orgasm blocks my throat, bursting from the inside. Like an explosion.  
I can't hear anything.  
I don't move. I fly — up and down, and I can swear that there, right there, in the darkness I can see his fingers, dancing in the blue glow of chakra.  
But then again, I also see the pines.

— Agreed. Two more in a week, — Kakuzu nods.  
— Don't make me wait, — Hiruko threatens him.  
They leave. Hidan waves his hand at me. Under one of his eyes there's a bruise in bloom, bursting out in pink, the outerline on the right side is bright strawberry. It's from my ring.  
Danna circles around the boxes.  
— I can carry them, if you want, — I propose.  
He stands still for a second, tilting his head.  
— You do that.  
I make a bird, secure the boxes on its back, and we continue our journey.  
— Sasori-no-danna?  
— Deidara?  
I feel a wave of hot air hitting me right in the face.  
— Did I see you?  
He chuckles and says nothing.

We walk along a turbulent river. I can hear the water roaring and the enormous wings cutting through the air. Nothing but that.  
— Sasori-no-danna?  
— Deidara?  
And maybe the wind, swirling between the pines. Just a little bit.  
— I drank some shochu. Otsushu, the real thing, fourty three percent alcohol… But I still think I saw you.  
He chuckles and says nothing.

A huge terrifying mountain range appears from nowhere to our right. There's nothing there but snow and rocks.  
— Sasori-no-danna?  
— Deidara?  
And several pines.  
— I drank some shochu. I wasn't… I wasn't feeling really well. But I saw you, didn't I?  
He chuckles and says nothing.

Sasori brings me to another one of his houses. It's not burnt out, only smelly and very, very dark.  
I lie there in silence, staring into the ceiling.  
I slowly go down the stairs, stumbling like an old man, my hand on the wall.  
The door is ajar, the dim light comes out.  
— I saw you.  
— Good. Nothing wrong with your eyesight, then, — Sasori replies.  
I jump, startled.  
— Sasori-no-danna! I definitely saw you!  
He turns around.  
— I saw you too.  
My tongue is suddenly too big, swelling, like an airballoon.  
— What? What were you doing there?  
— Nothing, — Sasori says softly. His shoulders are way too round. — Just watching.


End file.
